VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
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The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-