we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
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thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news