[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
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Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask