Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
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Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble