Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
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I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Would you wear it?
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
My purse is deeper than some people.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
subtitles are so good nowadays
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.