I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
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I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Thursday Thought.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I thought this was funny lol
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.