“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
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“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
A French press is when you hug naked
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I bet birds love this building.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~