wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
You Might Also Like
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*