@anjeanettec: "Wait, it wasn't us? Are you sure?" - Fox News
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@CauseWereGuys: My roommate is 3 days younger than me so ive gotten in the habit of saying “when i was your age..” and then describing what i did 3 days ago
@ItalianBratikus: My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don't have the heart to tell her he's just out chasing Pokemon.
@BGH70: I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.