me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
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They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
scared to check what name she chose
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum