Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
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Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
You are not alone 💚
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.