Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
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*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
A friend sent me this.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
My typo game is string.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
when you order from DoorDastardly
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.