Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
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I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station