Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Probably my best painting.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
no one ever comes back