Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
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Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.