Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
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[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.