Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
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printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*