I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
You Might Also Like
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.