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them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
catch me on valentine’s day like
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Beware…..
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice