Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
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For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.