Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
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Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
This classic never gets old . . .
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.