Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
You Might Also Like
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Muppet Screams
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.