Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
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I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
tis the season
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one