Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
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The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
When your parents check you’re ok.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.