Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
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“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
“We will wed,” I threatened
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia