My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
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Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
And that about sums it up.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]