Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
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My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?