“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
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My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you鈥檙e trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I鈥檝e been drinking.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that鈥檚 right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
馃槀
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Teachers: You can鈥檛 write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I鈥檒l outwardly hope that shit.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.