Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
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“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…