Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
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I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
2022: I can fix it
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me