Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
You Might Also Like
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
choose your gary
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.