Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
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My life coach traded me.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*