waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
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I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Oh deer
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.