Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
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big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.