Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
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[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.