Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
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If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen