Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
You Might Also Like
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Guilty! 🤪
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.