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@mdob11: Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I'm fine.
@juliussharpe: I was at the beach and the lifeguard blew his whistle at me. Dude, I'm 40. I'm not listening to a teenager in a bathing suit.
@sara_ashlynn: My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
@XplodingUnicorn: My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, "Don't worry, Dad. I'm OK."
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
@OhSweetCharity: If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
@afualareine: #PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭