Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.