[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
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If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Did a trash talking tree write this?
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi