WAITER: Room for dessert?
[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]
ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.
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Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Yoga Matt
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
when someone rings the doorbell
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.