WAITER: Room for dessert?
[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]
ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.
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i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.