WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
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4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.