Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
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Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Stop it! 😂
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
The happy life.. 😊
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile