My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
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I’m crying im so happy for them
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*