WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
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Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Banking tips
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”