WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
You Might Also Like
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
plant them where lol
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
#Thanos #MondayMood