waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
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I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Peace was never an option
first you must answer his riddles
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?