[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
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squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.