WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
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I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.