me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
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[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
So that’s what we looked like?
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about