Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
You Might Also Like
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.